OK… I’m back – again. Why the long absence? The very short version: out of state funeral for my Grandma, son off to college, semi-vacation, side business, two little ones at home and a full time job. I honestly do not understand how people can handle having more than three small children all in sports, clubs etc. God bless you and keep you strong if you are one of those.
With life moving so fast, it is easy to get tired: very tired. And when you’re both tired and the house is a mess, it is especially hard to find energy for romance. I have to admit: in the past two months I have not done anything “special” for my wife. Of course, I am helping around the house, doing the dishes, sweeping, folding, yada yada yada – still serving and loving her, but nothing special – just keeping my head above water.
So – how do I get out of this funk? How can I get back to the spark, the youthful fun and that elusive in-love state that is so easily replaced by complacency and routine? (Granted – it’s only been a couple of months of this rut, but why would I let it go on any longer?)
Side note… I have to say this: God bless my wife. She has been wonderful to me – even though she is tired as well – we have been supporting each other through this. I am so blessed to have her by my side. Thank you, Lord!
These are the top ten things I am doing/planning – and you can do – to bring the spark and romance back into marriage (in order of importance):
Yes, I said sleep. Romance requires energy. I am useless when I am exhausted. I am setting a time to turn off the TV – and more importantly for me: to turn off the computer. An hour after that: bed. I need 7 to 8 hours each night.
Time to read.
I need to get back my time to read the Word. When I am reading the Bible daily, things just get better all around. If I am not sleepy, I can read.
Pray more together.
I need to pray more with my wife. A recent poll showed that Christian marriages suffer the same 50% divorce rate as the rest of the world – BUT: Christian husbands and wives who pray together staye together 90% of the time – far better than the rest.
Time to talk.
That hour mentioned above – time to talk with my wife – about anything and everything.
I need energy for romance. Not for sex – for romance. I need to have energy to fuel the motivation and excitement behind coming up with and executing special plans for my wife. So I need the right kind of fuel for my body and mind. Eat right with 3 weeks diet
Exercise every day.
Of course, everything is better when you are fit – energy is better, mood is elevated, and romance is better. I currently work out twice a week for a total of about 4.5 hours. But adding just 15 minutes a day on my off days will keep my energy up and consistent all week.
Get things done.
With all this new energy, I can get things done – not crash on the couch. 30 minutes of intense cleaning a night during the week will free up at least one evening and the weekends for fun and family. Free time and energy leads to romance.
Having energy and a boosted mood makes me want to flirt – with my wife of course. I do it via love notes in e-mail and chat, since I work at a computer most of the day. But I also send cards to her work and call her on my lunch break or on the way home just to say hi. She likes that.
Give her time to relax. How?
Give her a glass of wine or make her a bath or just get up and go. On a couple of days, I will take the kids to the park or to the grocery store for an hour so she can decompress. Giving massage is fantastic idea
Re-institute date night.
I think I can arrange for the kids to be watched every other Friday or Saturday. Time for just the two of us away from the house and the kids is critical to our romantic health.
As I write this I am realizing that almost 50% of the items on list above are things I need to do to take care of myself. Is that selfish? No. If I do not take care of myself, how can I take care of my family?
How can I lead if I am tired, depressed, worn out and unmotivated? I cannot. So I need to take care of myself. I need to be healthy. I need energy. I can boost my wife’s energy or I can drain it. I would rather boost it. And the romance will come back.
This is not theory: it is fact. I have been doing this for quite a while now. It works. But God sometimes throws everything at you at once. He uses trials make you stronger.
When you are having a hard time or are suffering, remember Romans 5:3-4: “…but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.”
So go through it and come out a better man. You need to go through rain to appreciate and cherish the sun.
Turn the TV off for Romance
For this romantic idea, if you have children, wait until they are in bed – if not, then any time will work – but after dinner is best, IMO. Go get some kind of “romantic” snack – something like strawberries and chocolate syrup, in separate bowls so she can dip if she likes. If she likes wine, have some of her favorite wine in a glass for her – think of what she likes – you are romancing her, not yourself.
Then when you are about to sit down to watch TV, suggest that you leave it off (or turn it off, if it’s on). Tell her you would love to just sit and chat and you have a little surprise for her. Go outside if it’s nice, or find a comfortable place to relax in the house – but not the bedroom. Bring out the snack and drinks on a tray and then just chat. Ask her about her day. Let her vent, if she needs to. Listen to her. Compliment her.
This is not about sex – it is about romance.
Romance is about building a connection with your wife. Remember, women find the act of relating to each other emotionally more important than relating physically. But keep in mind: when your wife feels a closer connection to you, her desire for you will eventually soar. Romance v/s sex
Want Romance? Be Careful What You Watch
What you watch on TV and at the movies has an effect on you and your wife. For example: if you and your wife spend time in front of the TV watching violent shows, your wife is far less likely to be in the mood for romance later. In fact, one study showed that two thirds of women surveyed were not interested in snuggling in bed – let alone anything more – after watching a violent show.
Save the scary and violent movies to watch with the guys – and spend more time watching comedy or drama with your wife. Of course, you could shock her and watch a romantic “chick flick” together. Be sure to pull her close and let her snuggle up to you. After watching a comedy or romance movie, she will be much more likely to be romantic later.
Perhaps more importantly: notice how you are affected by what you watch. For example, watching images of sexy women may be enjoyable, but it begins to set a standard in your mind.
In your mind you will find yourself automatically comparing your wife to those air brushed, computer enhanced, perfectly lighted, $1000 hair-do, team of makeup artist-worked-on-her-for-two-hours super hot sexy girls on film and in magazines. Talk about setting up unrealistic expectations!
When your mind sees your wife compared to unreal (literally unreal) beauty, you may find yourself wondering “what if” or “I wish”. The fact is your wife can tell when you’re looking at her and thinking about ways she could change by comparing her to someone else. How can she tell?
Most women already compare themselves to other women. They do it constantly and they can tell when you do it. She can feel you comparing her to others in your mind, validating her insecurities about how she looks. This is nothing but destructive to her libido and self image. This does not help your wife feel sexy, loved or wanted.
How do you make her feel sexy, loved and wanted? When you look at her, look only at her. Don’t be thinking about someone else. Let her know you accept her for her true beauty, not the unrealistic beauty put forth by the media and movie industry. Accept her 100%. Focus on her – don’t drift.
Be with her 100%. She is your wife. Those other impossible beauties are not. Make your wife happy and secure. She will reciprocate, trust me.